Some of the off-Broadway sports in the Olympics I know I could do. My wife probably doesn't think so and neither do my siblings.
Well, I know so.
I couldn't perform at Olympic-caliber standards, but I could participate on the backyard level for sure.
I train with weights at the gym and I can bike all the way to the 7-11, which is three blocks from my house. Surprisingly, I'm in decent shape despite my addiction to Pepsi and Little Debbie's.
I recently mapped out a strategic training regimen for these less visible sports while taking a shower one morning. I was listening to a song proclaiming 'I have the power' on my waterproof I-Pod.
My first challenge was badminton. Nothing to it, right? Ping, pong, bong, smash. Score another point. Hit 'em where they ain't.
I ventured out to the local sporting goods shop and purchased a birdie, a net, a couple of rackets and presto, I'm ready to ascend to my self-proclaimed pinnacle of mastering this game.
In a few short days I was the champion of my neighborhood, although all the kids I tortured into playing weren't too thrilled with my smash after the ping, pong, bong.
Adults stayed clear, sensing my dominance and prowess in a sport usually reserved for more agile and quick players. Hey, I'm agile and quick but I just can't resist the smash. Let the others relish in ping, pong.
I sincerely apologize to anyone that developed paintball size welts on their forehead from my smashes, but if you're going to participate in the Olympics, even if it's my backyard, you'll have to endure some pain.
In air pistol shooting, I'm certainly qualified to compete. After collecting 724 Pepsi cans - I wanted to go to the Santa Cruz Beach Boardwalk for unlimited rides all Summer - I practiced getting my trigger finger in shape by doing fingertip push-ups.
My backyard resembled a shooting range at Disneyland, complete with a backdrop of the Country Bear Jamboree. I own the machine gun 757 magnum high-powered telescopic model, which I knew would assure me of a gold medal.
Most kids want an air pistol. Some already own one. The ones that do entered into my shooting habitat.
They left dismayed and disenchanted.
I defended my gold medal status, which assured me endorsement deals with water pistol companies nationwide or at least a guest spot on CSI Miami.
Once again, the adults chose not to challenge me, knowing that a shooting apparatus in my hand and aiming at a target was a dangerous combination since I once shot out me neighbor's window across the alley.
We were unable to get a modern pentathlon together, but even though it has five different disciplines within it's overall competition, it would be another perfect fit for me. It consists of equestrian, running, shooting, swimming and fencing events. Wow, things I've done all my life.
I can undoubtedly ride a horse, run, swim, shoot and stab somebody with the best of them, but of the five events, the equestrian portion would be my biggest challenge.
As I recall, my last time aboard a horse was with my son at the swap meet. We only jumped, well, stepped over a hot dog wrapper as we went around in a circle, so I might be a little rusty jumping over hedges and fences.
Rough water kayaking would be downright fun, though. I've maneuvered through some of the best rapids the Truckee River has to offer, got a great tan in the process, and even though I capsized, I managed to keep my Big Mac and fries intact.
This sport is a no-brainer. Paddle past a few rocks, paddle faster, turn around, paddle even faster and then cross the finish line.
The last three portions of the pentathalon would be a breeze.
Sailing is another Olympic sport in which I could excel.
Despite being smacked in the head with the boom on numerous occasions, I know the difference between starboard and port. And even though I was off one degree in my last journey to Hawaii - which put me in Australia - I know my way around a buoy.
What could possibly go wrong?
Nothing.
And since I have until 2012 to ready myself to conquer the real competition, as well as pay off the Coast Guard for rescuing me not far from the Golden Gate Bridge, my wife and siblings will have to admit, I can indeed partake in all these sports.
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Rich Taylor has been coaching youth sports for over 25 years and formerly scouted and coached in professional baseball. His column, A Sideline View, appears once a week. Reach him at rjtaylor23@yahoo.com
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